


Confine Me Then Erase Me

by ultimatebookworm00



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Langst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited, Unrequited Love, klangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 17:01:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11696022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultimatebookworm00/pseuds/ultimatebookworm00
Summary: Lance has a confession to make. It's not an easy one. (god I suck at summaries)Based on true events.Title from Muse's Dead Inside.





	Confine Me Then Erase Me

**Author's Note:**

> So this entire one-shot is basically the events of the past year of my life, except I changed the details so that it’s in the Voltron Universe rather than my own. I guess I just want to share the full extent of all the shit going on in my head with someone. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried telling my mom, my friends, my sister, my freaking therapist. I just can’t get myself to actually talk about the full extent of it all in person, so I guess this is what I’m resorting to. Because of that, the characters might seem a little OOC. I did my best though to keep to Keith and Lance's characters rather than my own, I didn't bother editing this or anything though so if it's not don't kill me. Um. I hope it’s not too depressing?
> 
> Also: I strongly suggest listening to Muse's Dead Inside either before or after reading this- it pretty accurately describes the tone of this whole thing by the end.

“Hey, guess what?” Lance announces, throwing Keith’s bedroom door open, allowing himself in.

“Will you ever learn to _knock_?”

“Yeah, nope, don’t think so.” Lance plops down next to Keith on his bed, proudly holding up a DVD box.

“Guess what I found?” Lance asks.

Keith snatches the box out of Lance’s hands, eyes widening.

“Is this...” Keith starts.

“Yup!” Lance confirms.

“Where the hell’d you find it?”

“Remember the Earth mall we found on that purplish planet last week? Well, turns out they had a weird version of Blockbusters.”

“Holy crap! Empire Strikes Back though...isn’t your favorite Return of the Jedi?”

“Yeah, well, I know Empire Strikes Back is your favorite, so…”

Keith shakes his head. “Whatever. So, you wanna watch it?”

“Hell yes!”

 

Lance wakes up to find himself next to Keith. They must’ve fallen asleep watching the movie. Lance looks over to see Keith turned away from Lance, curled in on himself underneath the blankets. To put it quite simply, Keith looks adorable.

Lance stumbles a bit at that thought - since when did he find Keith “adorable”? He shrugs it off though and gets up to go find breakfast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another six months pass. Most of space has been rid of any oppressive Galra influence. And Allura decides it’s finally time for a break.

“Paladins! Because we’re only about 10 light years away from the planet Earth, I’ve decided it would be within reason to open up a small wormhole so that you may return to your families for awhile. Should anything of import happen here, we will contact you immediately. It has come to my attention though that it would be helpful to reconnect with your loved ones, and perhaps help remove some stress.”

Lance honest to god could’ve cried.

“Well, looks like you’ll get to see Natalie again after all.”

Lance turns to see Keith smiling warmly at him. And Lance doesn’t know why, but his breathing slightly hiccups at the sight.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll see Natalie again. And mom and dad. Fuck, I hope they’re all doing okay.”

Keith chuckles. “Lance, I’m sure they’re all doing fine. Probably even better when you suddenly show up at the door.”

 

They weren’t all doing fine. The scene played out exactly how Lance pictured it at first - Lance’s mom flung open the door at the familiar knock and instantaneously broke into tears, pulling Lance into what was possibly the tightest embrace he’d ever been held in. Natalie screeched upon seeing him, throwing herself into the middle of the hug. She’d gotten taller, almost up to Lance’s nose. And then Lance’s dad slowly walked up to the door, smiling warmly, hugging Lance as well.

“Hey guys,” Lance says.

“I really should be yelling at you for a solid three hours,” his mom announced, “But I honestly can’t bring myself to.”

Everyone laughs at that. Lance notices a small satchel hanging from his dad’s waist.

“What’s that?” Lance asks, nodding at the bag.

Everyone looks at each other before looking back at Lance sadly.

“How about we tell you after dinner, once you’re done explaining just _where_ you’ve been for the past year and a half.”

 

Lance wasn’t ready. He wasn’t at all ready.

“You...what?”

“I have stage four melanoma cancer,” his dad repeated. “The bag is the chemotherapy treatment - the doctors like to call it a ‘cocktail’ - what with all the drugs in it.”

“You…”

“It’s not terminal,” Natalie interrupts.

“It’s _most likely_ not terminal,” Lance’s dad corrects.

“Holy...I can’t leave.”

Lance’s mom smiles softly at him. “You have a world to save. Your dad can wait for you.”

Lance shakes his head. “The world can wait another six months for me, you can’t dad. I’m staying. Final.”

“Look at you,” his mom says smiling, “Taking authority, being confident. My boy’s finally all grown up.”

Lance rolls his eyes and looks down, embarrassed. “Whatever you say mom.”

 

Lance calls in a meeting back on the ship the next day.

“I...I’m going to stay here. Not forever, just for a few months. My dad’s...my dad’s sick. I need to be here until he gets better or…”

Everyone sucks in a breath. Allura smiles sadly at Lance. “Of course, I understand. Take as long as you need.”

Lance nods at her appreciatively. “Thanks, Allura.”

“What, uh, what’s he sick with?” Lance hears Keith whisper.

“Cancer. Uh, skin cancer, believe it or not, didn’t even think it was possible to be completely honest.”

“I...can I talk to you?”

Lance takes a closer look at Keith to see his eyes beginning to water slightly.

“Yeah, I, uh...yeah.”

Lance turns to the rest of the group.

“Just give us a moment?”

Keith then drags Lance into another room.

 

“I, uh, I kinda knew your dad,” Keith explains.

Lance’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Really? When?”

“High school. He’d tutor me in math.”

“Oh, online?”

“Yeah,” Keith confirms. “Is...do you know if it’s, uh-”

“Not confirmed to be terminal,” Lance explains. “They’re not completely sure yet though.”

“He...can I go see him with you? Thank him for everything?”

Lance looks down at Keith. And just stops. Completely shuts down. Keith is looking up at him pleadingly, eyes slightly tearing up, gorgeous as ever. And in that moment, the only thought going through Lance’s brain that he could truly register was, “I want to kiss him. Holy shit I _need_ to kiss him.” And he almost does. He seriously almost does. He realizes what he’s doing at the last second though and moves to hug him tightly instead.

“Yeah, yeah of course you can, I’m sure my family’ll love to have you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lance stays. The rest of Team Voltron returns to space - they make sure to stay close though. Keith makes the occasional trip back down to Earth to check up on Lance and his family.

“You’re overreacting.”

“I know, I know...but-”

“Lance, stop it.”

Lance took a deep breath, letting Keith’s voice over the phone calm him down.

“Okay, now explain it to me again, because you were hyperventilating half the time.”

Lance took another breath. “Okay, okay. So I explained how my dad kinda had a son before me, right? Not with my mom? Well he came to visit the hospital today and my dad kinda...I dunno, he kinda just completely ignored me. Like I was rubbing my dad’s hands when Nick came into the room. And suddenly my dad’s whole face lights up and he’s mouthing _I love you to him_ and all that - I explained to you that he can’t talk anymore, right?”

“Yeah, yeah you did.”

“Yeah, so after awhile my dad kinda nods at me and Nick was like _I think he wants to talk to me alone for awhile._ And obviously I was cool with that, of course he needed some private time with him. But then I turn to my dad squeeze his hand and was like _I’m gonna for the day, alright?I love you._ And then my dad kinda just grunts and turns back to Nick. And I just don’t even know what I’m feeling at this point.”

“Where are you?”

“The park behind the hospital. I think I’ve been walking aimlessly for a good three hour now.”

“Lance, calm down.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Just...stay on the phone with me? Please.”

Keith sighs. “Yeah, I know, I will.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, can I come in?” Keith asks.

Lance doesn’t say anything.

Keith lets himself inside.

“I brought ice cream and poptarts.”

Lance smiles at that. “Thanks, Keith.”

“Yeah, well thanks for inviting me to your house.”

Lance lies on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Keith lies down next to him.

“You wanna watch Empire Strikes Back again?”

Lance bites his lip. “That was my dad’s favorite, too.”

Keith doesn’t respond. Lance turns to him.

“Should I be sad right now? I don’t know, I just feel...weird. Numb. My mom’s always crying, my sister’s angry, and I’m just...nothing. I feel nothing. Fuck, what the fuck is wrong with me?”

Keith grabs Lance’s hand. Lance doesn’t object, just closes his eyes and enjoys the feeling.

“When was that taken?”

Lance opens his eyes to see Keith pointing at a photo. They were at Disneyland. Lance’s mom held a crying baby Lance next to Winnie the Pooh, who had his arm around Lance’s father’s shoulder.

Lance chuckled. “I think I was four. Terrified of Pooh Bear, according to my mom.”

Keith smiled. “You were cute as a kid.”

Lance felt his heart immediately start pounding and silently yelled at it to calm down.

“You know,” Keith continued, “I was obsessed with Winnie the Pooh as a kid.”

Lance’s eyes widened. “You? No way. You’re like-” Lance gestures up and down to Keith, “You’re you!”

Keith rolls his eyes. “Yes, yes I am me, what a surprise, and I’m guessing you’re you?”

Lance let’s go of Keith’s hand to gently slap Keith on the arm.

“Oh, shut up, Mullet.”

Lance can’t deny he’s a little disappointed when Keith doesn’t take his hand again afterwards.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Lance is finally ready to rejoin team Voltron again, Keith is...different. He doesn’t know how else to put it. The team is stationed on a small planet where they’ll be doing missionary work for the next couple of months. Keith is nearly always stationed at the south end of the planet’s base of operations. Lance is in the North end for the most part. Naturally, they start to make new friends. Lance still puts his fellow paladins above all others though, make no mistake about that. Keith...Lance isn’t sure where stands on that whole thing. Keith still talks to Shiro as much as always. He’s also talking to all of his other new friends, though. And on the rare occasions where Lance’s schedule _does_ match up with Keith and Shiro’s, Keith will make sure Shiro stands between the two of them, talking almost exclusively to Shiro. Whenever Lance tries to talk directly to Keith and ask him a question, Keith will brush it off with a vague answer and go back to talking to Shiro.

Lance...Lance doesn’t take it well.

 _He hates me_.

That’s the first thought that goes through Lance’s head.

_Don’t be stupid, he doesn’t hate you, he’s just...avoiding you...because...reasons_

_Maybe he realized just how annoying you really are?_

_Or maybe you just got really annoying after dad died._

_Maybe he doesn’t want to deal with all your baggage and shit._

_Maybe...maybe he found out. He found out you like him._

_Maybe he does hate you._

The thoughts won’t shut off. They don’t for the next month. Or the month after that. Or the month after _that_.

“You’re overreacting,” Hunk tells him. “Maybe you’re just so caught with your feelings or him that you’re starting to see thing differently.”

Lance tries going to Pidge.

“Dude. You are the most obvious thing _ever_ . _Oh, hey Keith, you, uh, you look really nice._ ”

Lance scowls. “He felt insecure in the suit he had to wear for that function yesterday.”

“Yeah. Normal people would say _you look great dude_ . You, on the other hand? _Keith, you look incredible! Wow, you should wear suits more often!”_

Lance looks down. “Am I really that bad?”

Pidge shoots him a look of pure pity. “Dude. You should just tell him already.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The paladins have four months left on the planet, and the schedules just switched around.

"Hey, Keith, look, you got lunch at the same time as Lance on Mondays and Wednesdays!" Shiro points out.

"Oh yeah, nice," Keith says. Lance ignores the slight stabbing feeling in his chest.

 

Lance finds Keith sitting in the hallway. 

"Hey," Lance says.

Keith looks up.

"Why don't you have lunch with my friend Jemmy and I? There's plenty of room at the table."

"Oh, yeah, sure, why not," Keith says. 

Keith starts showing up to lunch with them every Monday and Wednesday. He doesn't really talk to either of them, mostly sits and goes on his phone.

 _But at least he's there_ , Lance finds himself thinking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lance forgot his keys. He groans and digs into his pockets, finding his little communication device.

“Hey, Keith.”

“Oh, hi.”

“I, uh, I kinda left my keys in my apartment, and the landlord’s out until tomorrow. Think I can stay the night at your place.”

Lance swears he _hears_ Keith shrug. His vision is suddenly blurred with the visual, and Lance has to shut his eyes before he finally wills the image to disappear.

“Yeah, yeah sure. You aren’t allergic to dogs, are you?”

Lance’s eyes suddenly widen. “You have a _dog_?”

“Well, it’s not mine, I’m dog-sitting for my buddy, Erek.”

Lance ignores the completely unreasonable twang of jealousy that suddenly shoots through him.

“No, I’m not allergic. I’ll be there in about twenty minutes. Thanks again, man.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

 

_I regret everything._

The words are on repeat as Lance sits on Keith’s couch, watching a movie with him. Lance was telling Keith how much he’d love the new Sherlock show, but Keith interrupts him, saying there was this new movie he wanted to watch, and who was Lance to argue? The movie’s...not the best. Lance finds himself bored before it’s even halfway over.

He looks over at Keith on the other side of the couch. Things are different. Had it been about a year ago, Keith would’ve plopped right down next to Lance, arms brushing every so often. Keith would grab Lance’s arm whenever anything jumped out on the screen, and horror quickly became Lance’s new favorite movie genre.

Keith sits on the opposite end of the couch. Lance plopped himself down in the middle, giving Keith more than enough room to sit next to him. He doesn’t. He even goes as far as putting the damn dog in between the two of them. And somehow, Lance finds himself jealous of a goddamn dog. The dog leans against Keith in his lap as Keith gently pets him. Honestly, Lance probably spent more time watching Keith and the dog than watching the movie.

About two thirds into the movie, Keith gets up. He doesn’t bother pausing the movie. Lance figures he’s going to the bathroom. Instead, he comes back with a thick stack of paperwork and plops himself not even on the other side of the couch, but on a different couch all together this time. And Lance can’t take it this time. He quickly makes up an excuse and hurries to the bathroom, before letting the tears finally fall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lance deletes the snap. Again. For the seventh time. He puts his phone down and takes a deep breath. He can do this. He can actually do this. He takes it again. And this time, he posts it on his story before he can think twice.

 

<< “That feeling when you like someone and think you’re slowly dying, lmao”>>

 

It only takes about five hours for Keith to reply.

 

**Keith**

> You like someone???

> What?

> Why don’t I know about this?

> Hey

> Respond

**Lance**

> Hey

**Keith**

> Sooooo

> You wanna tell me who it is

**Lance**

> Not really

**Keith**

> Why not

 **Lance**  

> I'm kinda terrified

**Keith**

> Why? You can tell me anything, you know that

**Lance**

> I don't know I'm just scared

**Keith**

> What if I try guessing?

**Lance**

> Alright

**Keith**

> Okay, do I know her?

**Lance**

> Yeah

**Keith**

> Do I know her  _well?_

**Lance**

> Yeah

**Keith**

> ???

**Lance**

> It's uh

> It's also not a her

**Keith**

> Lance, what are you saying?

**Lance**

> I don't know

**Keith**

> Are you just not going to tell me who it is?

**Lance**

>I'm scared okay

**Keith**

> Why??

**Lance**

> Bc of I were to hypothetically tell this person I liked them they'd feel really awkward and not want to be friends with me anymore and that'd actually kill me

**Keith**

> uh

**Lance**

> I'm going to go jump in a river see you later bai

**Keith**

> COME BACK

> What are you doing 

**Lance**

> idk

**Keith**

> you have answered zero of my questions

> are you going to tell me what you sexually identify as 

**Lance**

> Bi

> That's easy

**Keith**

> lol see was that so hard

**Lance**

> no lol i'm pretty open with that actually

> just uh

> not the person part

**Keith**

> You never told me???

> Okay gimme more

**Lance**

> Um, I've liked this person for about a year and a half now

**Keith**

> For a year and a half?

> Uh

> Idk

> If you want me to stop I will btw

**Lance**

> No, you can guess

> I'm just really tired of hiding this honestly

> I'm also just terrified to say it

**Keith**

> Uh. Is it someone back on earth?

**Lance**

> No

**Keith**

> I got nothing

**Lance**

> Um

> Sometimes you hate this person?

**Keith**

> Hate?

> Hate is a strong word

> I don't think I actually  _ha_ _te_ anyone

**Lance**

> I'm not sure

> I'd  _like_ to think you don't hate this person

**Keith**

> wait

**Lance**

> yeah good job

**Keith**

> uh

> I thought you said you knew them for a year in half but

> you didn't

**Lance**

> Yeah

**Keith**

> How can you like me???

> I'm literally the most unlikable person in possibly the galaxy

**Lance**

> Well, you thought wrong

**Keith**

> This is extremely awkward but it's okay

**Lance**

> I'm sorry

**Keith**

> It's all good

**Lance**

> You sure?

**Keith**

> Yeah dude, we're still Voltron, this means nothing

**Lance**

> I'm sorry I'm doing this over text btw

> I would do it in person but I kinda couldn't

**Keith**

> I get it

> Seriously

> A year and a half though?

**Lance**

> Yeah

**Keith**

> God 'm oblivious

**Lance**

> Jussssttttttt a bit

**Keith**

> Seriously though, you're a great guy Lance, I'm sure you'll find someone else

**Lance**

> Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm just tired. I hate lying to people and I honestly just couldn't do it anymore

**Keith**

> I'm gonna go now, thanks for letting me know though

**Lance**

> Yeah, yeah I'm glad it's out of my system

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It takes a grand total of two weeks for Keith to stop showing up to lunch. Lance knows what that means. He  _knows_. He doesn't let himself think about it.

"Hey, it's Wednesday, isn't Keith supposed to be here?" Jemmy asks.

"He's probably busy," Lance says, brushing it off.

Jemmy gives him a knowing look, but doesn't push.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shiro's face pops up on the screen.

"Hey, Lance! Thanks for finding the time to chat."

"Yeah, no problem, Shiro. So, what's up?"

"I just, uh, I need to rant. About Keith."

Lance bites his lip at that, then shakes his head and looks back at Shiro.

"Yeah, of course, what'd that idiot do this time?" Lance chuckles. It sounds completely fake, even to him.

"He got into a fight. Again. It's like he  _wants_ to get bruised up everyday, god, I'm getting so sick of it. Have you noticed?"

Lance laughs darkly. "Well, I haven't seem him around much lately so no, not really."

"He, uh...yeah."

"Shiro, I'm not stupid, I know he's avoiding me, and I know why."

"Yeah, I know. I actually asked him about it and he said yeah, yeah he was."

"I can't...fuck, I thought it was all  _good._ Like he seemed to get it. He seemed  _cool_. I thought maybe things would, I dunno, go back to how things were."

Shiro frowned.

"I just...fuck I don't want to lose him. I'm so fucking tired of losing people."

"Lance..."

"Yeah, I know, overreacting, I know. I'll get over this. Eventually. At some point."

"...You gotta talk to him."

"I know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lance didn't talk to Keith. He couldn't  _find_ Keith. And when he did, he either quickly turned and fled, or started talking to other people.

Lance honestly lost track of the number of nights he found himself crying himself to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lance was on assignment with Hunk, Jemmy, and Shiro. It wasn't too serious, mostly just watching stuff. 

Keith walks into view. Lance swears he can  _feel_ Keith's presence. He practically radiates superiority. His face is stoic, beautiful, venomous. 

He walks right up to Lance. "So. You wanted to talk."

Lance looks over at Shiro, who shrugs. He must've set this up.

"Um, yeah," Lance says - his voice shaky, unsteady, scared. "Yeah, let's uh..."

Lance swallows thickly and gestures behind him. Keith nods and follows Lance's lead. 

 

"So," Keith starts.

"Right," Lance says. "So, uh. I should probably start by telling you why I told you that...uh, yeah."

Lance swallows again and takes a deep breath before continuing.

"So we, uh, we kinda drifted the past couple of months, as I'm sure you've noticed. And I...I wasn't taking it too well I guess."

Lance feels his vision start to go blurry. 

"I thought...I don't know, I thought maybe I was acting weird because I was hiding something so big from you. I was acting weird, and we started drifting, and maybe if I told you everything, got everything out in the open..."

Lance feels the first tear fall before he could finish.  By the time he goes to wipe it away, another three have taken its place.

"I thought...I thought everything  _would_ go back to normal after this. You seemed okay after I finished texting you. I don't...I don't know. I don't know."

Keith stays silent. Lance finally looks up at him. His face is frozen marble. Emotionless. Unmoving. His eyes, his beautiful, beautiful eyes, are stony as he looks at Lance. He's beautiful and untouchable and otherworldly. He's so far above Lance, how could Lance even  _think_ he could possibly be friends with Keith.

"I...I automatically thought you hated me," Lance continued, his voice scratchy, barely audible. "I know, it's stupid, but my brain just jumps to conclusions like that a lot."

"I know," Keith finally says, almost monotone. "I know you."

"Yeah," Lance says, breathless. "I know you know me."

"It's not like I'll just ignore you forever," Keith explains. "It just...it isn't going to be like...before."

"I...yeah, yeah I know," Lance says. He's almost gasping for breath. Keith may be shorter than Lance, but never has Lance felt as small as he does now. Keith practically towers above Lance  - the stunning, ethereal prince, looking over a lowly, unworthy peasant."

"Anything else?" Keith asks. 

"I..."

Lance so badly wants to talk to Keith like he used to. Had they been the same as they had been about a year ago, Lance would be going on and on about the party his sister told him she snuck into the other day, the chocolates his mom somehow got sent up to space and delivered to him. Keith is different now though.  _They're_ different now though. And Lance can't do that anymore. 

"No, no we're all done here."

Keith nods and walks off. Lance stares at his disappearing figure.

Shiro, Hunk and Jemmy walk up to him.

"So," Hunk asks carefully. "How'd it go."

Lance makes it about three seconds before he breaks down.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, pretty much all of this is true. Most of the texts are actual texts that occurred. As I'm sure you can assume, most of this occurred in a school, not in space, but yeah I think you get it. I think I cried about four separate times writing this thing. Yeah, I'm just not very okay. Also, as you can imagine, since we're both girls and not dudes, there's some stuff I left out of this that occurred in real life. I think one thing that hurt me most was when I finally told her, she was like "This is highkey awkward, but it's okay, I still love you," to which I said "Can I even say that anymore?" "Yeah, of course," she replied, and so I told her "I love you too," and actually felt a good 50 pounds lighter. Yeah. So I'm just emotionally fucking dead at this point. Honestly, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna stop ranting now and let you move on with your lives, thanks for reading.


End file.
